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What You Don’t See Behind the Makeup

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From the outside, it’s easy to think that someone has it all figured out. Just because I have a full face of makeup on and walk confidently, I must not give a care in the world. It’s as if the pain doesn’t really exist unless you are bleeding or your leg is in a cast. But sometimes the most painful things are the ones you can’t see. So we learn how to smile, how to go throughout your day and suck it up. Because no one gets it. I don’t even understand it.

I have anxiety and tachycardia. Every night I have no idea how I will feel the next morning. And that’s scary. I don’t know if I will wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare not being able to fall back asleep. I don’t know if I’ll wake up early the next morning covered in a cold sweat on my hands and feet, with my body feeling numb and heavy, and my hands shaking, heart pounding and flopping that it hurts my chest so bad and feels like a heart attack.

Feeling exhausted but too afraid to fall back asleep for hours, shaking and feeling the same way again. With my ears ringing so loud that it feels like bees in my ears or a loud siren or a noise machine playing everything at once. And I don’t even realize that I’m grinding my teeth or scratching my arms or playing with my fingers. That I can’t even eat or drink some days even if I try to force myself and the next morning I’m so weak and dehydrated. It’s a vicious cycle.

My anxiety feels like fire. Hot on my face and just uncomfortable and frustrating. It feels like I’m drowning in water when I’m in the shower or burying myself in a hole in my bed. It feels like it won’t fucking go away. Some days are much better than others. But you never know which days those will be. It’s a surprise in the morning.

I have anxiety and tachycardia. Everyone says “oh it will pass”. Everyone has some form of anxiety these days. But is it as intense as this? Does it affect your day? Are you terrified to go to sleep some nights because you have no idea how your body will feel in the morning or middle of the night? When you sit up from lying down or stand up from sitting, do you get lightheaded and your heart beats fast that you have to get back into bed? Or you’re having random hot flashes?

But guess what? I’ve got more than those bad days ahead of me. I’m not dying. It’s just all in my head. And each of our minds is so fucking powerful. The mind can easily take over the body. One second I’m fine but the next second I’m not. I overcome my anxiety by talking it out. I find people I trust. Listening to music helps a tremendous amount. And so does drinking more water than usual during the day and more of an intake of salt. And sometimes I forget that.

It’s just anxiety and tachycardia. I can overcome it. I am stronger than it. I have to breathe. It’s hard when anxiety takes over my body and brain. My hands, feet, and body sweat, my face gets pale and I feel like there is no solution. I get more stressed because I don’t know when it will be over that moment or day. I just need to breathe and tell myself everything’s going to be okay. Because it will be… eventually.